HA! You want to be MY lover? Eeeaarrn it
by scienceparty
Summary: Medic prepares the perfect dinner for romancing a certain French mercenary. *Author practices description for college. Might add more to this, might not. I'll just mark as incomplete.*
1. Chapter 1 How to Seduce a Spy

Some short time after the ginormous mutant bread attack, Spy received a letter in his assigned mailbox. The letter was a quick read for Spy. Medic requested that Spy present himself for medical inspection.

Immediately Spy felt that something was unusual. Had the Medic needed to check up on the Spy's well-being he would have done so sooner. This was unlike the reliable, au courant doctor.

Spy prepared for the worst-case scenario. If someone was posing as the doctor, he would be ready to cleanly take them out. Spy shook his head at the thought of being the only competent member of the team.

Precisely at the right time, Spy made his way to the correct location-Medic's office.

Spy knocked on the closed door.

"Kommen~!" a far-too-chippy voice called from inside. Whoever the impersonator was, Spy was impressed with their German accent.

Spy readied himself. He took a step back from the door and raised his revolver with ease.

Loud thumps hit the ground with the smallest squeaks following. Spy furrowed his brows, and focused his aim at eye level. He was prepared to take out whatever threatened his base.

The door was swiftly thrown open.

Medic smiled as he stood, dressed in his finest suit. Spy smirked when he noticed a lack of blood stains on the doctor's clothes. One of the surgeon's arms was welcomingly outstretched. If Medic was surprised that Spy had a gun aimed at his head, his face showed no sign.

Inside the office the fluorescent lights were off. The only lighting was a candelabrum on a beautifully adorned dining table. Silverware,covered dishes, and flowers patiently sat on the surface. Medic's desk and chair were missing, likely moved to the actual surgical room to make space for the out-of-place dining table.

The scent of rosemary, garlic and cinnamon was strong. But the scent of Medic's musky cologne was overpowering.

The usually cold and strictly clinical office was warm and inviting.

"Welcome. Can I interest you in baked camembert?" Medic grinned.

Spy rolled his eyes and lowered The Ambassador. Something had seemed fishy to Spy earlier and now he was fully aware of the situation.

He looked down and shook his head. His eyes began to well up with tears. Spy found all of it amusing and couldn't help but wholeheartedly laugh. He covered his mouth with a gloved hand as he chortled.

Spy wiped a tear and entered the office. He removed some of the lids from the dishes and deeply inhaled. He was impressed that the Medic knew his favorite foods. He scrutinized the table's inhabitants.

Medic scratched the back of his neck as he still stood by the office door. He quietly observed.

"I'm curious. Did you get a red bordeaux for the evening as well?" asked Spy.

Medic gestured to a bottle setting in ice on a separate table in the corner of the office.

Spy almost choked, "You did!" Laughter pierced Medic's ears.

Medic raised a brow, suddenly unamused.

"A charming dinner by candle light and expensive new parfum? Did you think it would be so simple to seduce moi?"

Clearly, the Medic's desired results had not been achieved. Medic pushed both hands into his trouser pockets. This experiment was an utter failure.

Spy continued searching the office. He lifted the edge of the tablecloth up to peer at the legs. The wooden legs were thick and intricately carved. The length of the table was at least five feet. The table must have weighed over 120 pounds.

"A delicate man like yourself could not have moved this dining table in here. Who else knows of your affections, Doctor?"

Medic smirked. He was a mostly honest man. He saw no merit to deception. So he truthfully answered.

"Herr Heavy, of course."

Spy laughed once again.

"You are so predictable, mon cheri," Spy plucked the bottle of bordeaux from the ice and read the label.

"I think I'll retire for the night since you have no plans for anything medical here. Though I will take this souvenir with me. Fine year," Spy walked to the doorway with the bottle under one arm.

He leaned in close to the Medic's taller frame, allowing the doctor to freely inhale the Spy's own cologne.

Spy quietly said in a husky voice, "Perfect tactic for romancing a woman."

Spy left the room, slamming the door.

Medic was left alone in the all-too-quiet office.

He walked to the table and tenderly ran his fingers across the fabric of the tablecloth. He slowly inhaled.

Spy was completely right. Incorrect procedure.

Medic tightly grasped the edge of tablecloth with both hands and tugged. Glass and metal came crashing down. The single candle that lit the room was snuffed out.

Medic was highly aware of the coldness of his dark office. He smiled and shook his head.


	2. Chapter 2 How to Overcome Repulsion

**Enjoy some (hopefully) very in-character Spy and Medic romantic interactions.**

 _Twas the night before Christmas._  
Blah blah blah. Story introduction is unoriginal.

Please ignore this flaw. Just know that, dear reader, the RED base was calm and serene. It was full of warm, holiday dreams.

All the hired mercenaries were excited for what presents might await them in the morning. Pyro was excited about _mmn mmm mmmph!_ and Scout was expecting new underwear (as his always seemed to disappear from his drawer). Even Sniper, the loner he was, was cheerfully anticipating the social Christmas breakfast.

However, our story centers on the team's doctor.

Medic had luckily long recovered from Spy's rejection. He had hopes that perhaps in the future he could devise the perfect atmosphere to sway Spy's heart in his favor. Until he was certain he knew what he was doing, Medic would play it cool. Nothing less than professional, brief interactions.

He hated to admit it to himself, but even those few medical interactions in battle were not enough to satisfy his soul's longing.

Just last week Spy had been cloaked and the Jarate-covered enemy soldier had blindly flailed his whip all around and caught Spy across the middle of his back. Medic's machinery had immediately notified him of Spy's new injury and the doctor had (a bit too enthusiastically) left the Heavy's side to nurse Spy back to full health.

Spy had told the doctor to go away as it was only a superficial injury but Medic insisted that he heal him anyway since he was unsure of the next time he would see him. Spy relented and let out a sigh of exasperation.

Yes. Medic was still hopelessly puppy-dogging the Spy at times, but he was trying to improve. He wanted to gain favor with Spy; a feat almost impossible for anyone to accomplish.

Medic's thoughts returned to the present. The team had already celebrated their Christmas Eve in their favorite manner-by drinking large amounts of alcohol together while playing board games.

The more Medic drank the more he encouraged the others to stay hydrated and take aspirin in the morning.

 _A doctor even when drunk._

Medic grinned. This was not the way he had envisioned his life going, but he was happy with it regardless.

Moonlight filtered into the infirmary through the high military windows. He removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes.

Suddenly there was a quiet rap on the door.

Medic laughed to himself. He wouldn't put it past Heavy to be asking for aspirin now to take as soon as he awoke in the morning.

Medic opened the door to find a much shorter and thinner man than the Heavy. His heart almost stopped right then and there. He willed himself to behave graciously.

"...How may I assist you, Spy?"

Medic bit his tongue immediately after finishing the last word. What was he? Some sort of Customer Service worker? Too much grace.

Spy wasn't making eye contact with Medic and was adjusting his RED tie more than necessary. Medic found himself focusing all his energy on not grinning too much. Spy cleared his throat.

"Mind if I come in for a bit?"

Medic looked Spy up and down. No immediate signs of external injuries. Perhaps Spy had internal bleeding.

Medic quickly moved aside, allowing Spy room to enter. Spy closed the door behind him and took a seat on one of the gurneys in the room.

Medic began rifling through his well-known first aid cabinet.

Spy waved his hand back and forth.

"I'm healthy. I came to talk."

Medic's glasses were folded and placed inside his coat pocket. He would have said something snarky to his other teammates about how healthy they really were, but this was _his_ Spy and he deserved superior treatment. Medic kept silent. He leaned his back against the cabinet and gave his full attention to his honored guest.

Spy loosened his tie and let out a sigh.

"I'd like to apologize for _that_ day. Merde, I acted like un âne."

Spy finally made eye contact with Medic.

Medic blinked a few times. Was this really _his_ Spy? _The cocky man who **never** did the wrong thing and **certainly never** admitted to being responsible for an error?_ He was wearing the right team color...

Spy looked away again, fixing his gaze on a metal cart with sterilized equipment lying inside plastic packages on the surface.

"I'm used to women and men, alike, confessing their attraction to me. Most have not been interested in innocent, romantic interactions and were only excited for the possibility of being otherwise _involved_ with the 'seductive French Spy,'" he made quotation marks in the air with his fingers, "and I assumed you were the same as them without granting you the benefit of the doubt. For that, I apologize."

Medic closed his eyes and now it was his turn to sigh. He looked Spy in the eyes and spoke.

"Your physique is magnificent and I enjoy your accent, but I have no desire to engage in coitus with you. I never have. The whole physical intimacy thing terrifies me and I'd rather not attempt it. I want only an innocent and platonic relationship..with you."

Medic grew hot as silent seconds ticked by and he worried that Spy may have misunderstood.

"Err. What I meant was that sex in general is something that I'd rather not participate in. I didn't mean that you were repulsing, just that _that_ was mentally repuls-"

Spy stood to cut the doctor's rambling short.

"Dear doctor, how can you be so sure of something you have never tried for yourself? It's like trying new, exotic foods. You can't just claim you hate a dish unless you have tasted it for yourself," Spy closed the gap between Medic and himself.

Medic swallowed and pressed himself further into the cabinet.

Spy kept eye contact with the doctor and licked his lips.

Medic's stomach felt fluttery for a moment.

"Are you proposing we initiate a casual experiment of sorts?"

Spy sneaked a quick peep below Medic's belt then returned his attention to Medic's watchful gaze.

"It wasn't my original intentions for the night, but I wouldn't be opposed. It's clear you're feeling..up.. to it as well," Spy chuckled.

Medic realized that Spy was pressing his thigh against something hard in his trousers. His face reddened more. Medic dared to take a quick look down. He exhaled and shook his head.

"Well. I assure you that doesn't happen often. You should feel flattered," Medic said in an effort to lighten the intensity of the current situation.

Spy nodded his head and captured the doctor's lips with his own. The kiss was incredibly soft and surprisingly less slobbery than Medic had imagined. _Maybe french kissing wasn't as disgusting as its reputation had made it seem._ The two took turns nibbling at each other's lips.

When Spy finally released the Medic's mouth he asked, "Voulez-vouz couchez avec moi?" He batted his long dark eyelashes as he waited for a response.

Medic attempted to decipher the French in his brain. 'Couchez' sounded similar to 'cushion'. Maybe Spy wanted to sit with Medic and swap battle stories or touching childhood memories? Medic wanted nothing more than that for the two. He was most curious about the Spy's true appearance. Although the doctor had cut open the frenchman's torso before, he had been instructed to respect the man's confidential identity. It was the most important thing Spy possessed.

"Jawohl! When can we begin?"

"I was thinking now might be the perfect moment.." Spy used his palm to feel up Medic's package, "My question for you is would you like to do this against the counter or on the floor?"

"Oh..." Medic shut his eyes and involuntarily pressed himself against the warmth of Spy's hand. Warmth and softness was preferred over the cold hardness of the counters and medical cabinets.

Medic reasoned that 'couchez' meant something more along the lines of sex.

Spy set a hand on the counter's surface to hold his weight as he kissed Medic's neck repeatedly, beginning under his earlobe, traveling past his jawbone, and ending at his collar bone. Medic chuckled at the light, feathery sensations. Maybe this physical intimacy thing wasn't as bad as he had feared. Just like french kissing.

Medic noticed Spy was wearing his Cloak & Dagger watch.

"I've always wondered what kind of technology your equipment used," Medic gingerly pressed the ACTIVATE CLOAK button on the side of Spy's watch.

Spy yanked his wrist away as he instantly became invisible. Surrounding the Spy's body were small particles of...BLU? But this was the RED team.

"Merde."

There was silence for a long time as Medic put two and two together. He had been romantically involving himself with the enemy Spy this evening. How could he have been so blind?

Enemy Spy finally decloaked to reveal himself, clad in his BLU suit. The static-crackle pierced the silence. He furiously rubbed his temples.

"As I said before, this wasn't how I envisioned my evening. I was supposed to walk out with the RED intelligence briefcase as you all peacefully slept. But I let myself get emotionally involved. I bumped into that big-mouth-RED Scout-earlier and he told me about your rejection. Being fond of my own team's doctor, I thought I might try to patch up your situation with a brief apology on behalf of my RED counterpart..."

Medic looked up to the overhead piping in search of an answer from _Gott in Himmel_. He found Archimedes looking down at the two with his tiny pigeon head interestedly tilted. Archimedes suddenly took off, flying to some other corner of the infirmary.

Medic closed his eyes and simply pointed a finger at the door.

Enemy Spy complied. He cracked the door open to check the hall for signs of life. He opened the door further and paused. He turned back around and opened his mouth to ask Medic something most likely regarding their entanglement. But Medic didn't give him the time of day.

"Out. You have ten seconds before the rest of RED enters this hall," Medic made a grand show of pressing a button on the underside of the counter he had been leaning against. He removed his glasses from his pocket and replaced them on the bridge of his nose. He kept his fiery gaze fixed on the door long after the enemy Spy had fled the room.

He supposed he should be thankful on some level. He had discovered something about himself that night. It was the principle of it all that really got under his skin though. Something he had intended to save had been stolen. For that, he was unsoothingly outraged.

He wondered which of his teammates would catch the bastard first. Scout was easily the fastest but if the enemy decided to hide then no one would have an easy time catching him. Their very own RED Spy was likely the best hope.

Medic carefully listened to discover the victor. There were many heavy footfalls that passed by. Loud shouts were soon heard. Then all sound ceased. _A quiet and clean kill in the end. No gunshot. Spy's Eternal Reward._

All was silent. _Not a creature was stirring. Not even a mouse. **  
**_


	3. Chapter 3 - Aftermath

It was a wonderful day to celebrate. Engineer was determined to incite enthusiasm in his older associate.

"DOC!" Engineer suddenly intruded into the medbay with a carefully wrapped box. Startled, the Medic accidentally knocked many freshly-sterilized instruments in the floor.

Medic grumbled, "Velkommen."

The doctor began to gather the tools from the floor. They'd all have to return to the autoclave again. Engineer set the box down on a nearby table and helped the doctor.

"Sorry about that, Doc. I have something for you."

"Ja? Vhat is it?" asked Medic.

"Well, you'll just have to find out for yourself. Here, I'll finish picking these up since I was the one who went and spooked ya into dropping all these. Go open that there box," Engineer continued picking up the last ones and took them to the sink.

"Please. Vash your hands first," the Medic quietly said.

"Doc. You've gotta know by now that you can trust me as much as yourself. One of my PhDs is in Biomedical Engineering."

Medic sighed and shook his head. He supposed he could trust Engineer to properly clean some of his things.

The doctor ripped the paper from the box and opened the flaps. Inside was a large, chef-like blade with jagged edges and a large handle.

"...but I already own many saws. Vhy give me another?" Medic asked.

"Ahh. See? This is how you and I are so different. I'm always asking how and you always question the purpose behind everything. You should consider becoming a psychologist, Doc," Engineer scrubbed the instruments.

"Pffft. Zhat's such a soft science. I'm content vith vhat I do," Medic rolled his eyes at the suggestion.

He picked the saw up. It was significantly lighter than his others. There was a tiny red button on the side of the handle.

"Vhat does this trigger?" Medic asked.

Engineer craned his neck to check out what the doctor was referring to.

"Oh that spits out a small flame so you can quickly cauterize wounds in battle," he rinsed the instruments and set them on a paper towel by the sink. "Thought ya might even enjoy abusing the flame feature. A little pyromania is healthy for the soul."

Medic let out a deep sigh. It was wonderful that he had such a considerate teammate but he didn't understand the importance of celebrating his birthday. It just meant he was another year closer to death. Why remind him of his mortality?

"Thank you, Herr Engineer. I appreciate your efforts to uplift my spirits."

"Is everything alright, Doc? You seem so down lately," Engineer crossed his arms and leaned against the same counter that Medic had been pressed against weeks ago…

The Medic's teammates all were aware that the enemy Spy had visited the doctor on Christmas Eve, but they were in the dark on what events had transpired inside the infirmary at that time. Medic recalled the intruder's gentle touches of the time with disgust and anger. All he wanted out of life was to purely connect with someone trustworthy. The event acted as a reminder of the filth of the world. Medic was now aware that no innocent thing remained untainted for long. The doctor's exposed skin soon grew cold and he felt shivers travel through his spine for a moment. He closed his eyes.

"I think I'm just feeling some post-holiday depression combined with the birthday blues. I've been even more useless in battle than usual thanks to my condition. I apologize," said Medic. He closed the flaps of his present box to keep dust off his new plaything.

"Oh, don't go beatin' yerself up. Gettin' older happens to all us. We're born curious and grow up adventurous. We spend our entire lives exploring and learning everythin' about the world we can. Along the way, we each leave our own unique footprints that will educate and inspire future generations," Engineer turned back around and rummaged through a few drawers.

Medic tossed his hands up. Clearly, what belonged to the Medic was up for grabs by the Engineer.

"Doc, you're a key component to our team. You always bring up great points when we strategize-asking each of us to seriously consider potential wherabouts of our BLU counterparts," Engineer's search halted when he pulled a box-cutter out and purposefully nicked his thumb.

Medic was instantly by Engineer's side. He forcefully grabbed the box-cutter and tossed it away from Engineer.

"Are you mad?! Zhat blade is disgusting! Vhat are you trying to prove?!" Medic poured alcohol on a cotton ball and pressed it against the slice. Engineer winced.

"You're also the most nurturing person on this team. I've seen how you baby all your doves and fight so hard to save us out there," said Engineer.

Medic cracked a smile at the thought of Engineer injuring himself to encourage others. He shook his head and laughed.

"You know, Herr Engineer.. You're even more sadistic than I am."

"Actually I'm a masochist," Engineer grinned.

Medic just about choked on his own laughter.

Maybe this birthday wasn't so bad after all.


End file.
